unrequited diaries

i fell in love twice at parehas na unrequited yun. 

sanay naman na ako.

no regrets. hindi naman pinipili ng puso ang taong mamahalin niya di ba?

pero alam ng isip kung hanggang saan na lang at pwede na yung tama na. 

hay naku. haha. kasi naman halos lahat ng mga blogs na nabasa ko ngayon about love.

tas yung bestfriend ko may crush pa at kinikilig siya. haha inggit ako. lol.

anyway four months ago sinubukan kong manligaw ng isang frat guy.

akalain mo yun?

he looks interesting. 

...at sa personal masarap kasama. 

at bad boy ang dating...

and i felt something.

four months ago.

our chat...

ako: sana hindi na lang tayo nagmeet.
ako: kasi nung nakilala kita
ako: mas likable ka pala. grrr.
ako: pakshet ka. hehe

fratguy: ahaha
fratguy: wala nga nagkakagusto sa akin e

ako: gago.
ako: nagkagusto nga ako sayo eh. 

fratguy: ah
fratguy: :D

ako: ayan tuloy mukha na akong tanga.
ako: hehe

fratguy: emo!

ako: oo.
ako: sisihin mo sarili mo. haha
ako: hindi kaya ako emo sa tunay na buhay!

***

four years ago bago grumadweyt yung second lab ko, inamin ko sa kaniya nararamdaman ko...
pero after nun, shet iba pala feeling ng umaamin at alam mong wala kang mapapala no?
napapaingles ka na lang bigla sa blog mo. hehe

four years ago. 

05012007
unedited 

its hard for me now.
after confessing everything i just cant help it but feel sad.
i feel alone and regretful..
we could have been uber friends.
we could have been closer…
no time left, no chances..(i hope not)
well i admit there’s still something little love left.(maybe thats the reason why am i feeling this)
it may be negative .00001 over million but still the emotion is so strong and yet i cant do anything about it.
i just thought of what is possible.. what is realistic… what is safe…
so i have to suffer. i really have to push mysel to move on. tryin to live the normal life ive been living… trying to accept the fact that fairytales are the only one capable of happy endings.
being in love is not a blissful thing for me neither a bitter one… love is an escape.. an illusion.
i think no one will love me, i dont know if its a curse but my heart is destined to be doomed.. to deal alone…(i hope not) 

im sad. really. after confession…
this is the price i have to pay.

…again ”moving on” seems a blur but still i can see it on my vocabulary.
its bittersweet actually. finally i let go of my shell. i embraced what my heart felt, feeling and will feel. its a confession that let me discover some of me. pieces of me that were long lost.
…still im sad.

im about to cry but my tears are shy to fall. i should be happy. i dont understand why am i feeling this. at least for once i opened what is inside me. but regrets flooded… what ifs are haunting me…
im hoping that time will give this chance.
a chance to bond and color it with shades of memories..
—that day will be a distant memory… but it will be the one most cherished. 

***

feeling ko kung may unrequited diary nga ako... feeling ko mapupuno ko yun.hehe
pero ang cliche payo nga.... darating din yun, willing naman akong maghintay..

pero hanggang kailan?