2014 is a bitch

hindi siya naging mabait.

sino? 

si 2014. 

kada palit ng buwan, laging binabaha ang newsfeed ko sa facebook na "*insert month here* please be kind. or sa tuwing sasalubungin ang bagong taon, may kalakip na pag-asa ang mga tao na sana maging mabuti ang new year. ang pathetic lang. haha 

pero minsan ang mga araw, buwan at taon pala talaga ay bitch. 

hindi ko ba siya nilambing kaya hindi siya naging mabuti sa akin? 

sa pagtatapos ng taon, lagi kong nilulook forward ang aking year end post.

gaya noong masaya kong 2013 na puno ng paglalakbay at paglandi. 

ang pagsurvive ng ating mundo sa end of the world noong 2012 na equally fun din naman.

so many firsts nung 2011. ang tuluyang pagsasakatuparan ng aking pangarap na nangyari noong 2010. 2009 naman nung sinundan ko ang aking puso sa aking pangarap, one year after graduation. super memorable naman sa akin ng taong 2008 dahil ito ang taon na grumadweyt ako ng college. oo matanda na ako okay? haha then yung ibang year enders ko noong 2007 pababa simula noong nagblog ako ay nasa multilply na nawala na. :( may pauso pa ako noon na year end awards na awarding the best and the worst of the year from tv shows, to films to life experiences. 

as i read my past yearenders, nalungkot ako honestly. hindi naman sila perfect pero masasabi kong 2014 ang pinakapangit sa kanilang lahat. sa totoo lang, mas marami pa siguro ang worst ang 2014 kaysa sa akin pero ewan, masasabi kong ang 2014 ay isang...

quarter life crisis. haha. i felt depressed, lost, confused and empty. last july, a death of an acquaintance made me realize death is really real and it can visit you any time. kahit anong edad mo. kahit kailan nito gusto. and i guess, that experience actually spiralled me down to depression. 

what if... 

hindi ako natahimik. lagi ko siyang naalala, kumakatok sa gabi, bumubulong sa katahimikan. natakot ako. paano kung sa'kin mangyari yun? sa totoo lang, ang balitang yun yumanig sa buhay ko. at ang weird dahil kung tutuusin hindi kami ganun ka-super close. ni hindi ko nga siya iniyakan. pero gumuhit sa'kin yung nangyari sa kaniya...

kaya naisip ko, ang aking year ender ngayong 2014 ay magiging iba sa lahat. ayokong isa-isahin ang mga bagay kung bakit hindi naging mabait sa'kin si 2014, may malalim na lungkot na hindi ko maintindihan. sa totoo lang naexcite ako noong mga huling araw ng taon, dahil sa wakas, marahil matatapos na ang kanegahan. kaya nagpasya ako na ang year ender ko sa taong ito ay isang new year resolution. hindi ako ang isang klase ng tao na gumagawa ng new year resolution dahil ayokong hindi ito tuparin, kaya usually mas 'wish list' ang ginagawa ko para hindi ako mapressure na tuparin sila. haha  

sa bagong taon, ito ang limang bagay na aking nais na gawin:

1. stop looking for love.

naglulumandi kasi ako this 2014. haha at napansin ko kasi, kahit na pilit kong i-deny at ipagkaila sa sarili ko, kapansin pansin sa mga posts ko noong nagdaang taon ang paghahanap ng lecheng pagmamahal na yan. at naisip ko, bakit ako naging ganun kapathetic? haha. dati hindi naman ako ang klase ng tao na inaasa sa iba ang personal na kaligayahan. pero marahil dala na rin ng mga ganap ng taon, naghanap din siguro ako ng taong kakalinga. yung taong nandiyan lang, makikinig. kaya kung saan-saan ako dinala nito, sa gym, sa sauna, sa grndr... ngunit lahat naman ay walang laman. walang kaluluwa. hindi totoo ang chika ni rihanna na you can find love in a hopeless place. haha. kaya naisip ko, bakit ko ba ginawa yun sa sarili ko? ang maglandi. ang hayaang makaramdam ng kawalan? 

kaya sinabi ko na ngayong taon, sisikapin kong magkaroon ng...

2. quality connection.

ibig sabihin, titigil man ako maghanap ng pagmamahal, hindi naman ako titigil makipagkilala sa mga tao. meaning, malay natin di ba? dahil walang pressure maghanap. yung chill lang. yung may makukuha ka pa rin sa huli, na magkaibigan kayo, na may bago kang karanasan na hindi lang kayo nagsex sa kama. at kasama na rin dito na maging choosy. haha. well hindi ko naman ikinaganda ang pagpapakachoosy pero kasi mas nakaka-empty lang sa feeling na makapatol lang. haha. so quality connection na rin yung gusto ko talaga di ba? nyahaha. pero  how can you be choosy when you're horny? charot. haha. 

pero hindi lang sa pagkilala sa mga tao ito. masasabi ko rin ito sa aking pamilya. hindi kasi ako close sa kanila. baka sakaling mas magandang kahit kaunti, magbuild na ako ng connections sa kanila. i mean hello. it's a no brainer. they are my family. 

3. pray.

isa ito sa mga tumatak na payo sa akin ng aking mga high school friends sa annual year end party namin. matagal na rin akong hindi nagkakaroon ng quality conversation with god. siguro dala na rin yun kung bakit nagkandaleche leche ang 2014 ko. namiss ko yung security ko pagdating sa relationship ko kay god. kaya this year, makikipag-usap akong muli ng taimtim sa kaniya.

4. be positive again.

i'm a realist person though positive thinker. nawala sa akin yun last year. kaakibat nito ang muli kong pagplaplanner. dati kasi hobby  kong magsulat sa aking planner, nagiging ala journal kasi siya sa akin at araw-araw sinusulat ko ang nangyayari sa akin at nakikita ko kung naging productive o waley lang ang araw ko. ngunit kung waley man, nakatulong ito na makita ang mga little things na nagpasaya sakin. salamat at may nagregalo sa akin nung witty planner. muli kong isasabuhay ang aking dating hobby at sa tingin ko makakatulong ito na maging positibo ako ulit.

5. invest. 

iniisip kong mag-invest financially. hindi na tayo bumabata. hehe.

invest din sa sarili at magbabasa na ako ng mga librong hindi na lang literature kundi academic na rin kahit wala na ako sa eskwelahan. part din sa investment ang health, iiwas na ako as much as possible sa junk food. no to softdrinks! :p pero yes to sweets. haha. ipagpapatuloy ko ang gym na so far, so good. hindi pa naman ako macho. haha 

hay. bitch man si 2014, syempre hindi ko naman siya kakalimutan. 

mas nakilala ko naman ang aking sarili, dahil nga ang daming panahon para magmuni-muni dahil well isang taon yata akong technically parang walang trabaho. haha nakaalis din naman ako last year at nakapunta sa baler pero wishing na sana this year muli akong makalabas ng bansa at maayos lahat ng aking financial obligations ng maayos. 

but i'm claiming it.

akin ang 2015. 

...ay baka sabihin ang damot ko...

sige take two.

atin ang 2015.

taon natin ito. :)

numb

i'm desperate.
i'm looking for love but i'm denying na i'm looking for love.

i don't believe in finding love on line.
but....

of course some rules are meant to be broken.
sabi ko nga i'm desperate, i will try looking for love on line.
now, i'm cringing when the thought of finding love on line crosses my mind.
really?
love on line?
funny.

then you came.
i'm not expecting anything.

you call me daddy.
i call you bunso.

how cheesy can you get?
but still, i don't feel anything.
spark?
magic?
the chuvachuchu moment?

i saw your pictures.
you are hot in my world.
but still, i don't feel anything.
spark?
magic?
the chuvachuchu moment?

pero i told myself, kung ito magiging unang boyfriend ko, okay na.
yeah. that's stupid and lousy...

until we meet.
sabi ko, if you don't like me in person, sabihin mo na agad.
madali naman akong kausap bilang i eat rejections for breakfast.

it was late.
you were impatient.
i told you what do you want?
sabi mo okay na ang large fries at spaghetti sa mc do.
okay.

then finally we meet.
you're cute. really.
but still, i don't feel anything.
spark?
magic?
the chuvachuchu moment?

but i enjoyed our conversation.
about you.
about me.
as if we knew each other.

we decided to watch a korean horror film.
i love horror films.
it was funny.
but the best part is...
tumabi ka sa akin.
sliding like a ghoul hunting for his victim.
skins touching fully dressed is sexier than nude.
we kissed.
i tasted the spaghetti.

but still, i don't feel anything.
spark?
magic?
the chuvachuchu moment?

the characters in the film are dying one by one.
our breaths slipping through the night.
fully dressed still.

but still, i don't feel anything.